(you must watch the video to understand the post. it is sooo worth it)
After viewing this, I am a bawling sobbing mess--the perfect antidote for a congested head---NOT!!!
The Lord has used this moment, this woman, to speak to me in a way that perhaps nothing else could have. She is me. I am she. The very embodiment of unfulfilled dreams. A proverbial crazy cat lady. Thick in the middle, in the middle of life, the middle of nowhere.
And as I watch her plain form, her awkwardness, her nervous laughter, I see what God sees---a beloved daughter. One who is unassuming, but willing to take a risk. One who has never been given a chance and yet, does not hesitate to seize the moment when it (FINALLY) comes.
She bares her soul for the sake of her dream. Her words caused eye rolls and rude stares. Who does she think she is?
Such bravery. Could I do what she did? I think not. I know not. For I have willingly given up, walled up, shut up and dried up. Out of fear. Out. of. fear.
I want it so badly and think I have heard "No". I dare not ask again. I dare not hope for a change of heart. I could not bring myself to try again, to look again, to be open to a different path to the same dream. The fear of the pain is too much.
I have believed the lies of the enemy and believed them well. They have become my reality. I have made them so. They have robbed me of my present. They have all but stolen my future. The knowledge of this brings guilt and shame, thus the cycle perpetuates.
But today, God used two women I have never met, but call sisters, to bring me a message of divine hope and inspiration through a medium called YouTube. As I sit alone in my home, discouraged, sick in my body, mind and spirit, I meet Susan; a British version of me, a version of every woman, really.
And through Susan's courage and humbleness, I am transported once again, into the throne room of God, where I have been commanded to come boldly (but really, I rarely come at all anymore).
Where once again, I am shown a glimpse of my Heavenly Father's heart--He who lives (oh yes, He lives!!) to transform the imperfect, to confound the wise, to be a rock of offense, to convict the unbeliever, to redeem the world.
I can see His head thrown back in holy laughter, delighted with the timing of His perfect will, and His ability to astound His children. To render them speechless, struck dumb; so sure they have witnessed something beyond their own worldly, limited power of explanation, that it is like a superb magician's act.
Thank you, PapaGod.
Thank you, Susan.
Thank you, Val and Beth.
Thank you to my friends who have not let me go, but have not demanded I be something I was unable to be (Kathy, Addy).
I will begin to mediate on this aha! moment.
And now we shall see what the Lord will do...