Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Pointed Pondering--a bit raw

Menopause
(chemically induced)

Empty Nest
(allmost)

Sadness
(underlying--all the time)

Hormones
(whacked out)

Depression
(self-diagnosed)

Struggles
(more like whimpers, really)

Don't Care
(truth)

Sweats
(the kind you wear and the ones that keep you up at night)

Isolation
(self-imposed)

These are the things that have been swirling around in my head and heart for nigh on a year now. Surprised, dear gentle-reader? Had no idea? Oh, I can cover. I can cope (just barely). I can put one foot in front of the other. No-one really even knows I struggle, since I do not talk about it. I can do it. Yes, I can! (yuck)

But today, I am done. I ain't foolin' me and I ain't foolin' God. Nosiree. He is not buying it and neither am I. I am a sad, empty, hormonal, directionless mess of humanity. (:::tsk tsk tsk::: sadly shaking head to and fro). I am a mess.

Mostly, I feel so empty and sad that I just don't care. I am (for the first time in my life) adopting the avoidance route, the passive stance.

Usually, I am a go-getter, even in my times of struggle and doubt and grief, I get after it. I dig into the Word of God. I worship harder. I seek counsel. I journal. I expectantly await revelation and insight from God.

Not this time. Not this place. I am stuck with a capital 'S' and a loud --'uck'!! Not moving and don't care. I have watched more TV in this last year than I have my entire lifetime, up till this point. Icky-doo.

I have spent more time avoiding people than hanging with them. Hey, it's work, people!!, WORK to screen calls, to feel the guilt and the pressure; to Facebook someone versus sharing coffee/tea/water---it's work, I tell you, exhausting, challenging work!

So, I don't know what the issue is that has me here (see above for the list of obvious contenders) and mostly, I don't care. I don't care to talk about it, to try to gain insight about it, to solve it/fix it/deal. Don't care.
Don't care. And oh, did I mention? I don't care.

Now, the clever reader will think to herself, "Hummpff. She cares enough to blog about it, so she must care at least a tiny bit" and I would allow that the clever, dear, gentle-reader would be right.

You know, this is what I have come to see lately (my friend, Addy, helped me a bit with this. She cunningly devised a strategy by which she made me think that I was helping her, so I would return her call but then, ended up helping me, instead. Smart girl, that one).


In my isolation, my pulling back and into myself, I have come to see that I do not hang onto God and His promises because all my friends do (although, I am very glad they do).

I do not hang on Him/them, because it feels so dang good (because it has been a looong dry spell, with very little mountain-top-ness experienced).

I do not hang on, because it looks good to others, when I put on my church face (because, I haven't regularly attended church in allmost one year).


I do not hang onto God and His promises for any other reason than they are such a part of my DNA at this point, that it is second nature to pray with a friend, when she is in need.

Second nature, to comfort someone with Scripture, long-ago hidden in my heart, in a time of loss.


Second nature, to have the wisdom to know that "this, too, shall pass" (whatever, "this, too" is for me or another) even if it is not till eternity.

Second nature to believe; nope, to *know* that God does not love me less, for this puny, wimpy person I am. Second nature to know that He has not and will not, ever leave me, even for a minute.

It is now second nature to know that waiting is always a part of the human condition. It is second nature to know that one of the the greatest questions with which, the growing Christian must contend, is the question, "When, Lord? When??". (obviously--or maybe not?---the other question is "Why??", but that is for another day).

The groaning of the Holy Spirit and of my spririt, is for Christ to return and to silence once and for all, the dissonance between the spiritual and natural realms. To silence the grating cacophony, much like the Grinch's exclamation each Christmas morn, "Oh the noise, Noise, NOISE!!".

The noise of pain and sorrow and war and famine and the cries of orphans. Of hormones and loss and death and hunger and thirst and worry and fear and suffering.

The loud groaning of all of creation to experieince that moment when our Triumphant King will, once and for all, wipe away all our tears, heal our broken bodies and minds, right the wrongs and catch us unto Himself forever.

So why am I like this now? What's wrong with me now? How can I fix it? When will it get better? end? I don't know.

I met God for the first time, by myself, alone and afraid, sitting on a couch in rural Iowa (yes, that may be redundant). I am quite certain He can meet me there once more and can transform me once again.

Until then? At least, I am done pretending and striving. (deeply exhaling).

(PS Here is the scripture the Lord brought to my mind on the commute home today..."The people perish for a lack of vision". That may just be it. The missing piece. I have no vision for the next phase in my life).

2 comments:

Mom To Six said...

Oh Terryn,

You may not have the vision, but He has already been to where you're going. Your heart is His. Now reach out your hand, and although you may be blind for now, you will arrive safely at your/His intended destination.

You have "Samuel's" heart and He knows it.

Hugs,

Ohilda

ChinaCalling said...

I just blogged something quoting Joseph Campbell's, "The Power of Myth". It sounds like, and I recognize myself to some degree in your words, it sounds like you are bored. In a spiritual and emotional way. You have alot to give and you don't know where to give it. Can you follow your bliss and believe in those invisible hands that J. Campbell writes about? Check out the post on www.LetItBeChina.blogspot.com