Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Because I do not know what in the heybillies I really need...

I have traveled many moonless nights,
Cold and weary with a babe inside,
And I wonder what I've done.
Holy father you have come,
And chosen me now to carry your son.

I am waiting in a silent prayer.
I am frightened by the load I bear.
In a world as cold as stone,
Must I walk this path alone?
Be with me now.
Be with me now.

Breath of heaven,
Hold me together,
Be forever near me,
Breath of heaven.
Breath of heaven,
Lighten my darkness,
Pour over me your holiness,
For you are holy.
Breath of heaven.

Do you wonder as you watch my face,
If a wiser one should have had my place,
But I offer all I am
For the mercy of your plan.

Help me be strong.
Help me be.
Help me.

Breath of heaven,
Hold me together,
Be forever near me,
Breath of heaven.
Breath of heaven,
Lighten my darkness,
Pour over me your holiness,
For you are holy.

Breath of heaven,
Hold me together,
Be forever near me,
Breath of heaven.
Breath of heaven,
Lighten my darkness,
Pour over me your holiness,
For you are holy.

Breath of heaven.
Breath of heaven.
Breath of heaven.

I love the Christmas song "Breath of Heaven" by Amy Grant.

When I first became a Christian, it was a song that really helped me imagine Mary and her holy plight. Her fear. Her burden. Her prayer. shamwow (quietly spoken)

So many great lyrics to ponder. I love the line "Pour over me Your holiness, for You are holy". Shiver-time!

To know that God would even consider doing that for mere *me*, it indescribable; to know that he would GLADLY do it, if only I asked, is beyond my comprehension. It is too wonderful for me. I often cannot bear it.

"Do You wonder, as You watch my face, if a wiser one, should have had my place?"


I wonder this, when I am aware that I am on an assignment from God. Sometimes, I am not aware that I am "on" until I am in the middle of something---witnessing to a cashier, praying for someone in the produce aisle, talking with a co-worker till 6:00 PM on a Friday night, cuz her world is spinning out of control.

Personally, I think God prefers being all "Jehovah Sneaky" with me. If I know, in advance, that He has something for me to do, well, let's just say, I have a whole lotta Peter in me sometimes (most times). Me thinks, me knowest best. ::ahem::

So, if God gives me something to do, sometimes, most times, ALL the dang time, I start to re-write His script. As though one single, solitary thing I have ever re-written for God has EVER turned out well. (holy eye roll, Batman). yeah.

So, then, I ponder this, too. Does God ever wonder about choosing me for something. Does he have holy regret? A v-8 sort of moment, where He slaps His holy forehead and groans, "Sheesh. What was I thinking?"?

Of course not. I do not believe this ever happens to God. He is never surprised by my lack, my shortcomings, my shenanigans. Can't happen. He is God. He chooses perfectly. Always. As in the original Greek, which means---always. hahaha

For me, the bigger thrill in these lyrics comes from the very idea that God would ever watch my face. My face. The one I am not so happy with. The one I wish had a smaller nose, a firmer chin and definitely less crabbypants frown lines.

Watching someone's face is intimate. Watching is active. Holy. Whisper-y. Reverent. Strangers may glance or stare (depending on how rude or disengaged they are). Only spouses, dear friends, or parents (with their children) *watch* the faces of another.

I love, love, love looking at my children's faces. I think they are magnificent works of art. I love my son's nose (he hates it), my daughter's gorgeous big eyes, both of their smiles. I watch their faces, actively, for signs of worry, fear, approachability, glee, teasing, etc.

The face is where the emotions are played out. A stranger may be fooled by a look on my child's face, but I am not. A stranger may believe my child is "fine" or "doesn't need help" or "had a good day", but I will not; not if the face and the words do not line up.

That the God of the Universe, the Maker of Heaven and Earth, would watch, actively, Mary's face...that He would watch, lovingly, *my* face...for signs of worry, glee, approachability is beyond my ability to understand. He watches my face. He is not fooled by my bravado, my fakey-church smile, my "no biggie; it's all good".

He watches my face.

He sees it as a work of art. He made it. Perfection in His eyes. He lovingly watches me sleep, just as I love, love, love watching my loved ones sleep. He is drawn in by absolute wonder of a created being that He loves, just as we are. The I-wouldn't-change-a-thing-perfection our loved ones hold in our eyes? He feels the same way about me. About you. He watches your face. shamwow (quietly spoken)

The last lyrics in this song that get me every time are these...

Help me be strong.

Help me be.(...?)<--- emphasis mine

Help me.


How many times do I start out with God, telling Him what to do? More times than I care to admit. More times than I can count (what, with math not being my strongest suit and all---it's a dang lot, that's all I know).

I always start out with God all..."Help me be strong", then I change to (and this might take weeks, months or ::exhale:: years, "Help me be.....?"

Ummm...what exactly do I want Him to help me be? Oh, I dunno. Just fill in the blank. Spin the wheel. Pick an attribute, any attribute. Any holy, godly attribute will do.

I usually end up trying many 'hats' on for size; Strength? Nope, that one didn't work...how 'bout faith? Nope. Rats. How 'bout patience? errg. No? OK then, how 'bout self-control? Agggghhhh. What do you want from me? (said while, internally, I stomping my feet, holding my breath).

Then, finally, the brokenness and humility of "Help me.", and all that prayer implies.

"Help me" says, "I don't know, but You do". "Help me," says, "I am spent, but You are endlessly capable". "Help me", says "I am needy and I recognize that You are absolutely, literally waiting, aching to hear those words", so You can swoop in, pick up Your precious child (me!/you!), wipe her face and speak love over her.

I believe that "Help me" is the sweetest prayer God ever hears. (smile)
I'll bet Mary really prayed it, too.

(The song, "Breath of Heaven" is at the bottom of the blog on my player, in case you've never heard it).

1 comment:

rainbowmom said...

I LOVE Breath of Heaven. I've been so bummed for the past couple of days. I've clicked on your blog but it would load on my browser. I'm glad it worked tonight.

I have never thought of God watching my face. It's always been more of a looking down on me aspect. What a thought though.

The V8 moment thing cracks me up. I truly believe that God speaks to us according to how He knows we'll hear him. I've laughed a few times at the reason why God had to choose to talk to me the way He does. In the things I really need to take note of, He speaks to me in visions and dreams. They are rare, very rare, but I learned the very hard way not to ignore them. I've wondered to myself if I'm like a little kid with a picture book that maybe can't understand the words or what someone may be trying to tell me so he has to draw it out for me! haha I can see the Holy Spirit telling God, "I tried to TELL her! She just doesn't get it!" and God just rolling his eyes and saying, "just show her a picture". hehe

Thanks for your sweet words on my blog. I do appreciate your prayers!