Sunday, November 30, 2008

I Really Want You

Bawled my head off last night at dd's dress rehearsal. Could not stop crying.

All the tension and questions and wondering and sadness over the last year or so, seemed to culminate into one song, one 3 minute dance routine.

As I watched my babyGirl leap and pirouette and whirl about, something about the lyrics just caused me to come undone.

In public. For no reason I could articulate.

Weird.
And exhausting.

It feels sort of necessary. Like draining a boil (gross--sorry). Like letting a fever run its course. Like throwing up, so you can start to feel better.

Would I prefer to bypass this step, this way point on my journey? Umm...duh, yeah. Pain is not my friend. I am a weeenie.

But I have tried this thing my way; tried to pretend and avoid and numb and deny the sadness and the pain. And that ain't working, I can just tell ya.
It ain't working.

And so, some vague remembrance of having prayed a dangerous prayer washed over me and although, I cannot say it caused me to laugh out loud, I can say, it produced a small, slow wry grin.


Who says God doesn't answer prayers? Every single one is answered.

Who says God doesn't have a sense of humor? Only someone who has never met Him.


(Here are the lyrics to James Blunt's song, "I Really Want You". Here is the YouTube link to his official video. It's such a haunting song).

Many prophets preach on bended knee
Many clerics wasted wine
Do the bloody sheets
On those cobbled streets mean
I have wasted time

Are there silver shores on paradise?
Can I come in from the cold?
I killed a man in a far away land
My enemy I'm told.

I really want you to really want me
But I really don't know if you can do that
I know you want to know what's right
But I know it's so hard for you to do that
And time's running out as often it does
And often dictates that you can do that
But fate can't break this feeling inside
That's burning up through my veins

I really want you
I really want you
I really want you... now

No matter what I say or do
The message isn’t getting through
And you’re listening to the sound
Of my breaking heart

I really want you
I really want you

Is a poor man rich in solitude?
Or will mother earth complain
Did the beggar pray for a sunny day but
Lady luck for rain

They say a million people bow and scrape
To an effigy of gold
I saw life begin
And the ship we're in
And history unfold


I really want you to really want me
But I really don't know if you can do that
I know you want to know what's right
But I know it's so hard for you to do that
And time's running out as often it does
And often dictates if you can do that
But fate can't break this feeling inside
That's burning up through my veins

I really want you
I really want you
I really want you... now

No matter what I say or do
The message isn't getting through
And you're listening to the sound
of my breaking heart (x2)


ouch.

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