Mia's Mommy commented on a recent post in which I had declared my need to let go of the idol I have created out of my strong desire to pursue adoption. A few of her comments seemed as though they might lend themselves to further explanation from my end of things.
Of course, I sort of struggle with how much to share, in a public forum, that which is mostly a private matter. But, I have decided that it is perfectly OK (and perhaps helpful to other women?) to post my own portion of this story (that is still being written). So, here we go...
I have always wanted to adopt. Have lots of children, both biological and born-of-my-heart. That desire was really solidified when I went to VietNam with Hope Haven International or the first time in 2001 (I think?). I fell in love with the country and the people, just the way Mark had. Anyway.
By the time we got all computer and internet savvy and I could really begin some research into the complexities of adoption (I knew *nothing*), adoptions between the two countries had ceased. Bummer.
I was next bitten by adoption fever in late 2005ish. I researched endlessly (gotta love a laptop) and came to the conclusion that we should adopt our brown-eyed girl(s) from CHINA.
Why China? Hmmmmm...was that where the Lord was leading? Ummm, no.
*I* picked China after my careful research because, as I stated to anyone who asked, "China adoptions move like a well-oiled machine. Fewer surprises. Fewer unknowns. Less likelihood of a shutdown".
Not at all God led. My research. My ideas. My comfort level.
My rationale for all of this? If I researched enough, I could avoid: international shutdowns, unethical adoption, unscrupulous facilitators, attachment disorders, surprise medical conditions, angst, worry and I while I was at it, I could probably achieve world peace.
Stooooopid. (embarrassed wince) ugh. Of course, I now know how ridiculous this thought process is/was. And how completely without God it all was.
Not to mention confusing to my poor, dear husband, who loves(d) all things Vietnam.
One country was not, is not, superior to the other. I believe that if I had been pressed by someone who had influence in my life, I would have recognized that there was waay too much 'me' in the process and not nearly enough God.
So there was a moderate course correction and we signed with an agency, got on their wait list and started the preliminaries to adopt from Vietnam. Land of our first love.
Meanwhile, my wonderful husband began to have (appropriate) second thoughts about the wisdom of adoption for us, since we are already OLD, parents to 6, grandparents to one and only two of our six are successfully launched into independent, self-sufficient adulthood.
Heart-wrenching, Gut-wrenching, Stuck-ed-ness ensued.
And it all came to a head at our dear (and overworked! ha) counselor's office soon after. Husband said his piece. I said mine. We both looked expectantly at our dear and overworked (and underpaid--truth!) counselor.
I sure he was praying harder than either Husband or I, because it was (clearly) his (unspoken) prayer that was answered, "HOW IN THE HECK AM I GONNA GET THESE PEOPLE OUT OF THIS MESS?" lol
Because in that expectant, tense moment, when all I wanted was to hear from the wise (paid) man was, "There there, dear. Of course, it is God's will that you adopt (100) children!!", I instead heard from God Himself. And this is what He said...