Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Monkey--be gone!

(ahhh...a couple of things I dislike; animals wearing clothes and being forced to do ridiculous things ::snort::)

Odd, isn't it? Once you start feeling better about things, you feel the need to justify *not* grieving. To explain your happiness.

Perhaps this is an area where we could benefit from the Victorian custom that dictated a specific time frame for persons to 'mourn'. If I understand the custom, it required that a person wear black clothing, refrain from parties and other merry-making events and, in the case of a widow, mandated the term of her singleness.

Once the specified time of mourning was completed, society was satisfied and the widow/er was free to move forward. No judgment or guilt from within or without.

Well, my particular grief is over the decision *not* to add more children to our family. It has taken a year (or more) to get used to this idea; the dream of mothering more children has been inside me for at least 20 years. Remember, I even had names for these little ones. They were real to me.

During this year of rather profound mourning, I did not wear black (unless I felt it was slimming--ha!). I did self-limit my merry-making; I simply did not *feel* merry or social. I felt reclusive and cocoon-like. And sad. And very blue. And wholly unable to move along; to find the joy, the silver lining, the upside.

Now, I am feeling better. Softening heart. Dusting off the cobwebs in my head. Feeling joy again. Feeling *anything* again. And now, I feel....guilt.

I want to make certain that people understand (why I even care, I don't know) that if it were up to me alone (not God and dh), I'd adopt a hundred kids. I am not bailing on orphans, choosing Harley's and home decor over helping children find a forever family.

I am bending my will to that of the Lord's. How could it *not* be the Lord's will that we adopt an orphan child? Don't think I haven't ask (screamed) this question to God bajillions of times; I have. It is not His will. There is no mistaking that this is not going to happen apart from a miracle.

If it ibecomes His will for us, I will be the first to excitedly clap my hands with childlike glee, never once minding the fact that I had wanted this all along and even became heartsick over "hope deferred". Who cares at that point?, I will think. I get to parent and love more little ones!!!

But, if not, I feel like King David, I guess (btw, I am NO King David). I petitioned the Lord as hard as I knew how to petition. I mourned and asked and waited and prayed and hoped and sought. To no avail.

And like David, once it became clear that the Lord had given His answer (nope), it was time to wash, dress, eat and visit the house of the Lord to worship. (please know I am aware that it took me a weeee bit longer to respond than King David).

David's actions after the death of his child confused his staff and friends; maybe mine behavior is confusing to people in cyberspace; my cyber-friends. I don't know.

What I do know is that by remaining in the place of 'hope deferred', I was living in the future, remembering the past and completely missing the gift of the present.

God is still God, whether we adopt a child or not. He is sovereign and thank God He is!! He is worthy of my worship and praise and trust.

So, instead of shallowness, I hope people see submission. Instead of callousness, I pray they see contentment. Contentment that was hard won and still quite fragile.

Please if you have comments, I ask for kindness. Thumper rule, people.

Phew! That monkey is off my back! I feel lighter already.

Now, if I could only lose that 20 pounds...

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