"Your marriage vows included nothing about more children".
(insert cricket chirping here).
Well, shut me up and put me in my place. I could not argue with that, because it was so. very. true. And I knew what God meant, in that wacky way that conviction works; I knew exactly what He meant.
"I, woman, take thee, man, as my husband to honor and cherish...as long as he keeps the babies coming, till I say stop?".
In that ugly moment, I was willing (in my deep, dark heart) to beat up and sell out my husband, to claim some sort of hyperspiritual trophy with my willingness to trust God (ha! ha! HA!) with growing our family through the holy, spiritual desire I had to adopt (adoption *is* holy and spiritual, but was not so in my heart, at that moment). Know what I mean? How unbecoming.
I am nothing, if not transparent, so I had to only struggle a moment or two (serious) in the counselor's office, before I stunned the men in the room into silence by saying, "Alrighty then. Here is what God just showed me. This is causing my husband pain and God reminded me that adding children to our family, although it is something that Husband has always known is important to me, was not part of our marriage covenant".
End of session. End of discussion. Game. Set. Match.
It really was, in that moment, that simple. Was I happy? Not hardly. I was mightily p*issed off. I knew that this meant I would 'lose' my dream.
Could I have kept that God's little revelation to myself? ::snort:: Not I, said the speech pathologist. It would have eaten me alive.
So the outcome of the story to this point? We will not be completing a China adoption (we are now deemed too old) or an adoption from Vietnam (they are closed).
And Miss Teri (as she is called by her students---and herself; creepy third person references are frequent in my head) is jusst now climbing out of the deep pit, whereth she sulked in a rather deep funk for lo, these many months.
She has recently had the strength to change the banner and wallpaper on her cell phone (both used to contain references to my brown-eyed girl(s) who were so real in my heart). She is relinquishing her library of books to deserving (but likely financially challenged recent adoptive families), along with the many cute shoes and a few cute outfits she had lovingly stockpiled. She has removed herself from all adoption agency sites, Yahoo groups and many blogs. She is trying to trust God, by being willing to speak to Him, to assume the best about Him, and sincerely seek His face again.
Is the desire to adopt from Him? I believe it is. It is, of course, Biblical.
Is my personal desire to adopt from Him? Not sure. Maybe yes and no. I believe that He would be honored if we adopted. He would be glorified. A child would be given the love of a family. A hole in my heart would be filled.
Is adoption the *only* way that the He might meet those needs---children needing parents, parents needing children? I doubt it. That seems awfully limiting to my VeryBigGod.
So I am officially open to other things that God might want to do through us to help orphans (and me). And God has breathed a sigh of relief. lol
And God looked upon the forehead of his stubborn, rebellious, petulant child, bruised and bloodied with her repetitive banging against the brick wall and with much love, kissed it and wiped away both of their tears.
And joy and a tiny seed of hope was again planted in the heart of the silly girl, that she might someday see the fulfillment of a dream to love orphaned children.