Saturday, July 5, 2008

Shadowlands

Loved the book. Loved the Anthony Hopkins version of the movie. Cried *buckets*.

Remember this post?

As I was traveling home from our girl's trip to Nashville, the Lord spoke to my heart, about something that I know is important to His. I know this lesson was important, because He used that quiet, still, steady voice that a parent uses with a child, when there is wisdom being imparted. Eyes locked. My chin in His hands. He really, really wants the child to not just listen, but *hear* Him.

As the plane neared its landing, I was watching the descent from my window. The plane was casting a perfect plane-shaped shadow, that got bigger and bigger as we neared the ground. It was some cool phenomena that I am certain Mark could explain to me, in scientific terms. To me, it was cool, without even understanding.

As I watched, the Lord caused me to understand the following...

"All things, both living and dead, cast a shadow. It is evidence of their presence on the earth, as the sun shines upon them. Things that move and breathe and live cast a shadow, just as surely as those things that are not living, such as rocks, trees and planes.

You can continue to live the way you are living right now; dead, stuck and passionless, just going through the motions. You will still have influence. You will still cast a shadow, as you exist on the earth, because I am still shining.

Or you can live again, happy and confident in Me; in my love for you. You can rest in knowing that I will always work things for good, for those who love Me. You can move and breathe and dance and sing, as you used to. And the shadow of influence that you cast around you will be bigger and longer and full of life and motion. Remember what that was like?"

(loooong silence) Boy. No-one can nail me to the wall like the Lord.

So what were my choices? Was I to be the plane, the inanimate object that merely carries travelers to and fro, but does not experience the sights, sounds, tastes, smells and emotions that come with adventurous
journeys? Or was I willing to *live* again, to be a traveler, seizing adventure, seeking experiences and relationships?

I was reminded of Jesus' triumphal entry into Jerusalem just days before His death; the passage where it is spoken that if the crowds did not cry, "Hosanna!! Hosanna!!" with His entry, the rocks themselves would cry out .

Do I want to be outdone by a *rock*? Ummmm no.

But, the shadowlands is the place I have lived, since coming to terms with the fact that we are not going to add any more children to our family. We are not going to adopt. How could I have this desire (this SCREAMING!! desire) to love a parent-less child(ren) (clearly a Biblical mandate), yet God was not going to fulfill this desire? [grooooan]

The death of this dream has felt like this C.S. Lewis quote...


"Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief. "

Sigh.

I don't want to live in sadness. I don't want to look upon my Lord with mistrust and suspicion. I don't want the shadow that I cast in this lifetime to originate from a dead object. I want to live with purity! I want to cast a loooong and joyful shadow from my adventurous, bold life experience.

Now, that I have *finally* written this out, perhaps, I will feel the weight of accountability on my shoulders; perhaps, I will be able to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ Jesus. Perhaps, I can move on.

Perhaps.

(art is from
this gallery site)

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