Sunday, April 27, 2008

The one where Bruce is to blame

Well, while the Boss (Springsteen) and I were cleaning house yesterday, I caught a YouTube video for his song, "Glory Days".

I remember having that *cassette* back in the day (again, I am old) and loved it. The song (as catchy as it is) has always struck me as sad and rather pathetic, I guess because I really knew people sort of living that way.

You know, that "Napoleon Dynamite" character, Uncle Rico? He says things like, "Man, I coulda made state in '82", or "I want a time machine" and that sort of thing? That same type of person who would tell a graduating high school senior, "Boy, I hope you enjoyed high school, cuz those are the best days of your life"? Those people confound me.

I have always wanted to throttle people who tell children who are 18 years old and cannot make their own meals, make their own way in life, make a BED, for heaven's sakes!!!, that well, since high school is over, you might just as well go jump off a bridge, cuz it only gets worse from here on out. ugh.

I have always told my children, "Huh. If that's true, think about it....you've got a dang lotta years of just going downhill then, huh? I don't know how husband and I even get up in the morning, our lives are so pathetic, empty and sad".

Then, when I have their attention (from the over-exaggerated sarcasm), I tell them that it is good and fine and right to LOVE every minute of EVERY life stage they are in. It's alll good.

High school?

I loved high school. No complaints.

But I was ready for college to start.
Then I was ready (I thought) to be married.
Then, grad. school.
Then, career.
Europe.
House.
Babies.
(and then divorce, bankruptcy).
Then, Jesus!

I have ALWAYS looked forward to the next thing. I have ALWAYS been ready to move on, to be done where I was at.

Except now. This whole "no more children" thing bugs me every dang day. And I think it is more upsetting to me than I had imagined the typical angst for the empty nester mom to feel, mostly because of the way I tick.

This is not me. I am just so puzzled by my reaction(s).

For the first time in my life, I am not ready to let go, move on and embrace the next chapter.

That's the truth.

But I don't wanna be some sad caricature of a mom, living back in the '91, pining for the memory of those years and believing that no others will be worth living. Guh-ross!

But neither do I want to just put on a happy face, take some happy pills and pretend all is well. I think that women who get caught up in pretending (especially in the presence of or for the benefit of other women) are doing a dis-service to their gender.

Few things are more discouraging to me, than to look at other moms/wives/girlfriends, who are seemingly happy, successful and immune the things that are cr@pping up my life and then comparing their (false) reality to my own (usually negatively skewed) normal, raw and complex home life.

Because the truth as I know it, is that *everyone* struggles and everyone carries pain and unfulfilled dreams and dysfunctional patterns. Ev. ry. one. And it is easy to forget that.

This can even happen with your best girlfriends, but I think it is especially prone to happen with those women that we *think* we know, but if we are honest, we realize they aren't real, transparent, honest and gritty with us. Too much facade and not enough fact, I guess.

Anyway, all that to say that, this is new territory for me and instead of feeling like I'm on a wild and crazy (in a good way) road trip (which is one of my favorite things), I feel like I am stuck in traffic, on a dead-end street (and that road rage-y feeling is starting to bubble, as I look to the right and left, hoping for a detour.

Help? Wisdom? Suggestions? Speak up! I need some insight.

But, please...no PollyAnna, look on the bright-side thing, ok?

If that was enough to solve this problem, I'd have had this thing kicked a looong time ago.

almost completely as an aside, I was thiiiiisss close to purchasing my first Springsteen concert tickets yesterday--is it worth the price to go? remember, I shop at Goodwill, so the price was ab so lute ly shocking!

4 comments:

Mia's Mommy said...

Hey there! I've been meaning to leave a comment, but as you've read, I've been a little hectic. My oldest will be leaving for college next year. I'm so not ready for this. I keep getting the line that I have to let her spread her wings, blah blah blah. I get sad every time I think of it. I'm not looking forward to her leaving. Or any of my kids for that matter. I love this part of my life, even though I'm not that good at it. I'm not going to do empty nest well at all. I've been a mom longer than I've been anything else in my life (other than being a daughter). It's what I know, and I'm not sure I know how to do anything else.

I'm right there with you on fluffy women. They don't serve any purpose to me? Why cover up when being honest can help you and someone else?

tumbleintodreams said...

I enjoy reading your blog. Seems like there must be alot of women who aren't ready to stop caring for children! I don't know if you have considered adoption or foster care, but if being a mom is your specialty.... there are so many that need to be mothered. I have always thought it would be great to be a NICU grandmom and volunteer to hold the babies who needed to be held. I know you will find the situation that needs you. God is getting everything ready and in it's place! Keep Writing. sherri

Terynn said...

Melissa:

It will be so hard to be "done". My husband tells me, "once a parent, always a parent" and I know he is right--sheesh, sometimes we have 6+ kids here, but not every day. And not all the time. And...anyway. It is good to know I am not alone. How's daddy doing, darlin'? How're you doing?

Terynn said...

Sherri: I like your blog, too! And oh my! has Cami ever grown! She looks like such a little girl vs. a toddler. And so happy and loved and confident. Wow.

Tell me more about your art sometime, either on the Sprinkles blog or an update on your artsy blog.

I have checked into adoption and for now, that will not be happening. Too old for China, VN is closed and we have 6 kids (four still needing college).

I have called both local hospitals about rocking babies and neither have a program (nor are they interested). Odd, huh?

We shall esee what the Lord will do...