Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Anguish

Job 7 (New International Version)

1 "Does not man have hard service on earth?
Are not his days like those of a hired man?

2 Like a slave longing for the evening shadows,
or a hired man waiting eagerly for his wages,

3 so I have been allotted months of futility,
and nights of misery have been assigned to me.

4 When I lie down I think, 'How long before I get up?'
The night drags on, and I toss till dawn.

5 My body is clothed with worms and scabs,
my skin is broken and festering.

6 "My days are swifter than a weaver's shuttle,
and they come to an end without hope.

7 Remember, O God, that my life is but a breath;
my eyes will never see happiness again.

8 The eye that now sees me will see me no longer;
you will look for me, but I will be no more.

9 As a cloud vanishes and is gone,
so he who goes down to the grave [a] does not return.

10 He will never come to his house again;
his place will know him no more.

11 "Therefore I will not keep silent;
I will speak out in the anguish of my spirit,
I will complain in the bitterness of my soul.

12 Am I the sea, or the monster of the deep,
that you put me under guard?

13 When I think my bed will comfort me
and my couch will ease my complaint,

14 even then you frighten me with dreams
and terrify me with visions,

15 so that I prefer strangling and death,
rather than this body of mine.

16 I despise my life; I would not live forever.
Let me alone; my days have no meaning.

Good bye, Troy

This is the sweet friend I remember.

This is from our Homecoming date, sophomore year.

I pray you are with your Mom and with our Lord.

See you in eternity.

The Reason
Hoobastank

i'm not a perfect person. there are many things i wish i didnt do
but i continue learning. i never meant to do those things to you.
and so i have to say before i go, that i just want you to know

i've found a reason for me, to change who i used to be
a reason to start over new, and the reason is you

i'm sorry that i hurt, its something i must live with everyday
and all the pain i put you through, i wish that i could take it all away
and be the one who catches all your tears, thats why i need you to hear

i'm not a perfect person, i never meant to do those things to you
and so i have to say before i go that i just want you to know

i've found a reason for me, to change who i used to be
a reason to start over new, and the reason is you
i've found a reason to show a side of me you didnt know
a reason for all that i do, and the reason is you

(chosen by Troy-played at his funeral)

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Troubled Dreams



Yuck.

Last night's dream was troubling on many levels.

Started with the much-repeated tornado dream, but with a twist (pun intended).

All the people of the city were heading to an organized shelter, in a very prescribed manner. The siren had sounded. Everyone knew where they would go in the event of such a drill or disaster.

As we herded into our places, it became apparent that we had been duped. Specially chosen; no disaster after all. We were all Christians. Not looking good for the *reason* we had all been herded into this place.

People began to question, then panic. No exit found, chaos ensued.

In the confusion, I had hidden under a desk or table to try to make a plan. I realized (here's the dream part of the dream) that I had a knife I could use to defend myself and the others. I was scared. I was hesitant.

Could I really use a knife (or any weapon) against someone? A person? I was now dizzy.

Screams from those around me provided the answer...I *had* to do something.

I changed my grip on the knife from one you would use to poke at someone, or merely frighten them, to one you would use to stab someone. Decision made.

I waited for an opportune moment and lunged from my hiding place. I struck the man who appeared to be the leader. As I plunged the knife into his chest, abdomen; over and over, I realized I was actually *killing* this man.

Ugh. Warm blood spilled from the man, onto my hands, making them slippery. People stood and watched. The other assailants fled. No-one said a word. No-one screamed.

Except me. I screamed at the people. I screamed at them to run, flee, get to safety. After a moment, they began to scatter. No longer quiet, but not panicked, either. Slowly. As though they could not process all that had happened. All they had seen. And what it all meant.

I, however, ran. Disgusted. Sickened. Certainly not proud or triumphant.

I rationalized my decision and found no guilt or shame or condemnation within me. It seemed in order to save the people, someone had to act. It seemed that person was supposed to be me.

I also realized that the end of the times was upon us; here in America, at least. No more pretending. No more asleep at the wheel. They were coming for *us*. And, I realized, I had not killed at man, but an evil entity. Shudder.

"For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places."Ephesians 6:11-13


Sunday, September 16, 2007

That about sums it up...

"To raise a child
is to be a part of a miracle,
and no matter how often
you hold a small hand in yours
or tie a tiny shoe
or hear a young voice in prayer...

it will never be enough".

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Identity


Psalm 45:9-16

Angels watching over me...


Psalm121:5-8

The LORD watches over you— the LORD is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.

The LORD will keep you from all harm— he will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.

Thank you, Lord, for saving me on Thursday. As I crossed the bridge and simultaneously dozed off, I *know* your angels protected me from harm; I just missed the guardrail.


Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Remembrance

So, what does one do? What does one say? On this most horrific of days...

I heard that there was disagreement about how to commemorate the day. Years previous, have always included a reading of the names of the 3,000 victims who lost their lives on 9/11.

But I heard that this year, they were not going to read the names.

Right? Wrong? Healing progress? Callous disregard? I dunno.

I feel like there should be no forgetting of the terror of that day. I believe it to be the defining moment of my generation. I will never be the same. Our country will never be the same.

But to continue to do the same thing year after year? Seems like we can do better.

All I know is, I thought 9/11 thoughts all day and listened to 9/11 music (Bruce Springsteen's "The Rising") and wore my red, white and blue ribbon on my blouse.

I wish this could just become a memory, but I fear that there is more terror coming for our nation. We are hated. We are targets. It is just a matter of time.

God bless the USA.

Sunday, September 9, 2007

Signs




1). Ability to mingle


2). Planning fun surprises

3). Anticipation of girlfriend time

4). Sadness that I can't continue my exercisewalking--leg injury

5). Opening the Bible out out of curiosity--2 Corinthians 10:4, anyone?

6). Willingness to pray for others

7). Thinking about giving up internet obsession--*thinking*

8). Miracles--reconciliation, new address, Scout, Nathan, Rachel, Abby...

9). Getting things on my to-do list done

10. Wrote the outline for "Good Girls Don't, but I Do" in less than one hour

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Think about it..it's so true



"Death is the Spirit's better birth.

The dawn of a Perfect Day."


(seen on a headstone in Hickory Grove Cemetery)

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

The Big Thaw


My heart...

warmed once again by God's love.


Melting, thawing.

Awakening, feeling.

Hungering, thirsting.

So. thankful.